where my head's at, vol. 2.

ever tasted milk just before it was about to turn?  i just ate a whole bowl of cereal swimming in the stuff.  before you pass judgment on me, there was just a slight funk-taste to it -- not bad.  maybe i just hate wasting food, maybe i'm just frugal, call it what you will... i think it was the combination of hunger and laziness that sparked my apathy.  but you know what?  amazingly enough, it still tasted better than the kowloon dairy.

sometimes matt will email me during the day and ask how things are going at home.  well, let's see... we've got the dog, the infant, the mexican housekeeper and me, the big dumb gringo: four living, breathing beings under one roof, not one of us able to effectively communicate with another (running gunther through his bag of tricks is sometimes the most adult conversation i have all day).  yep, everything's ship-shape.

when i get bored, i turn to cutting.  my hair.  and lately i've got nothing but time.  somebody stop me.  i hacked off some thick bangs last week, and i'm already hating my hasty snip job.  so my new fringe, coupled with my brittle split-ends, makes me look like i shoved my head in a blender, then in an oven... oh wait...

anybody want a copy of my summer oh eight music mix?  it has served me well, so i thought i'd share the love.  drop a comment, and i'll have gunther sniff a name out of a hat or something.

olympic discourse.

• aren't the olympics wonderful?  chalk-full of good will, comradery and patriotism.  i think this might be the one time the man upstairs smiles down on us and realizes that we all can get along for a second.  i get so emotional when the small, economically-challenged countries proudly march in the opening ceremonies... i wonder if those athletes ever imagined they'd see china someday.  i love you togo!  you go girl!


• matt is a man obsessed.  for the past couple of nights when i've awoken in the wee hours to tend to master fox, the television has been on (tuned into the olympics, naturally), muted, and not a soul watching it.  why, i asked matt, do you leave it on all night if you're sound asleep in bed?  hoping to get some type of osmotic, telepathic coverage?  he explained, if he wakes up and wanders out to the couch in the middle of the night (a likely story), he hopes to find something interesting... because turning on the television is just too much work, right dear?  ah, bless your heart, love.


• michael phelps.


• there are certain events that i absolutely dread watching but watch anyway, i.e. gymnastics.  i have some sort of social anxiety about watching people biff it.  my palms sweat, heart races, adrenaline pumps through my veins -- complete physiological strife. this, among a few other reasons, is why i cannot watch many reality television shows: american idol, dancing with the stars, so you think you can dance, whatever... i get sick when people screw up in front of the world, and providence knows i don't need anymore anxiety in my life.  i even get embarrassed for actors when they give an exceptionally cheesy performance.  anyone ever see that mormon-culture film "out of step?"  i hope the actors don't stumble across this posting (how're those for famous last words?), but i had to bury my face in my hands for nearly the entire show because i couldn't watch the poor wretches crash and burn right in front of my eyes.  but i digress.  that said, i watched the women's gymnastics team competition the other night, and my digestive system is still recovering.


• i might need this:
  

• anyone who kept up with me while i was in hong kong should know i'm not a huge fan of china... they kinda burned me with their toxic pollution all beatin' down on my unborn fetus and me, then making me jump through hoops to bear fruit under their jurisdiction.  but seriously china... what's this (kinda sketch)? and this (just sad)? oh wait, did i just hear the sound of a can of worms being opened??  too bad my son doesn't sleep anymore -- i don't even have the energy.

down mexico guey.

it was great to get out of the city with matt's coworkers today. we tried to embrace a bit of the culture...

just a few of fox's new friends

fox y hermosa fernanda

a little underage experimentation

DISCLAIMER: this man is a responsible parent and no alcohol was actually ingested by the infant

siesta

mexican equivalent of a german drinking song

mexico ain't so bad.

gloves are off.

all right matt, you may have won the battle, but you're gonna lose the war:

"start spreadin' the news..."

not leaving today, but...

...we thought we'd try the financially challenged, married student thing in a city where i could spend ridiculous sums of cash on nosh alone... don't get me going on shopping and entertainment.

i could not be more excited.

and i could not be happier about staying put for over a year.

and i could not be prouder of this looker:

♥

it'll be like christmas up in here.

my friend lori is doing this.  i'm in.  who's with me?

i swear i don't make this stuff up.

scene of the crime

fox and i were enjoying a lovely, peaceful moment together this morning, when our beautiful silence was broken by the sound of gentle splashing.  a mystery liquid was sprinkling through our open window from the apartment above, dousing our tile floor and coffee table.  immediately my over-active imagination envisioned an elderly man admiring the rooftop garden and greeting the bright day with a mid-morning leak.  i'm doubtful that's really the origin of the mystery liquid, but technically mexico is still a developing country, and propriety isn't exactly at the top of everyone's list.

¿como?

for real?

under pressure (or not).

great song, but it just ain't the same without bowie

bathing, for all of us here at casa de burton, is slightly laborious.  for fox, it's a 12 hour process.  i boil 2 potfuls of water, let them cool in a small, plastic bucket overnight, boil one more potful of water in the morning to warm the purified water back up again, plop my butterball into the water-filled bucket and watch his girth displace half of the water onto the floor.  then i try to suds-up and rinse off the slippery christmas ham as quickly as possible before he wriggles out of my grasp and blubbers out of the bucket and onto the bathroom tile.  let's just say that fox's baths have gone from every other day to maybe twice per week.

bathing for matt and me became much more pleasant once we figured out that if you want a hot shower, the kitchen faucet must be running full-blast on hot in order to keep the gas lit and heat flowing.  now, if we could just figure out how to get more than a trickle out of the showerhead.  until recently i never fully appreciated what a luxury water pressure is.  down mexico way i need an extra 10 to 15 minutes in the shower just to ensure i've rinsed off thoroughly.  i'm considering eliminating hair conditioning from my routine altogether.  washing cream rinse from your hair with nothing more than a weak drizzle is like trying to water the white house south lawn with a dippy watering can.  my hair often emerges from the shower with a cakey, wet (when it's dry) look -- completely counter-productive, and the grunge-look left when kurt cobain took it with him.

i've never considered myself hygienically challenged, but these high maintenance showers have driven me to look forward to bathtime about as much as a 7-year-old boy, so please forgive me if i smell like one.

eggroll turned burrito.

3 countries, 19 pounds and 5 months (to the day) later, little fox ain't so little (was he ever?) anymore...

some things about the gentle giant:

1.  loves to snug deep into your shoulder

2.  thinks our dog gunther is hilarious and loves to pull his ears

3.  laughs hysterically when you sing on his cheek

4.  is extremely content and rarely gets upset

5.  loves to taste ice cream and bananas

6.  enjoys watching little kids play

7.  is ready for size 4 diapers

8.  likes it best when i speak spanish in my raspy hispanic male voice

9.  smacks his lips, shuts his eyes and leans his head back when he has a full tummy (and will sometimes break out in song)

10.  makes a great shopping companion

11.  has a deep voice and growls like a bear cub when he's mad

12.  is in love with his momma but will laugh more for his dad

i smell... hair.

we have gas appliances, and i am a moron.

that statement, coupled with the title of this post, should clue you in as to what happened during my latest adventure in mexico: lighting the oven.

all i wanted to do was make brownies.  i'd seen matt light the oven once before, and i had him give me explicit instructions over the phone on how to proceed.  i was still hesitant to do it by myself because gas has always struck fear in my heart.  i just don't feel comfortable with it, and something about putting a match into an oven filled with flammable gas just screams medical emergency.  but i was sick of being scared to do anything by myself here in mexico, so i placed fox in the other room, safe from the action, and i decided to just buck up and do it.

gas running...

match lit...

here goes nothing...

WHOOSH!

the heat knocked me over like i'd been hit by a truck, and i immediately felt the hair on my head and face crisp up.  and there it goes, i thought -- i am going to be disfigured and bald.  in a sheer panic and still not sure if my clothes were on fire or not, i ran to the bathroom to face the mirror.  i was spared from disfigurement, and praise heaven nothing else on me was burning, but there, into the sink it fell -- clumps of charred, orange hair... from my head, my eyebrows, my eyelashes, my arms... and the smell.  oh the smell.  

i said a quick prayer to my Maker to thank him that i was still alive and that the only casualties from my shinanigans were my hair and my dumb pride.  i'm still not sure what went wrong, but needless to say, i don't think i'll be trying my hand at baking with lard anytime soon.  anybody know any good mexican cosmetologists?

i tried to capture a bit of the beauty, but pictures really don't do the damage justice.

upon further investigation, i realized that even my poor, curious dog had been singed. gunther now has twizzler eyebrow whiskers.

fiddy.

click photo to partake in a north ogden tradition

my dad is fifty. this is how we celebrated.

if you don't know clark, here are but a few reasons why you should...

clark p. skeen:

1. is humble.

2. mows the lawn in a button down and dockers.

3. rides motorcycles.

4. loves sashimi.

5. is fair and just.

6. buys my mom chocolates from idle isle after he's been on a long motorcycle ride.

7. hides donuts in the garage.

8. taught me how to make rice and celery soup with hot dogs (yes, that is one dish).

9. has four daughters.

10. (poor guy.)

11. readily gives compliments.

12. loves to roadtrip.

13. is an excellent roadtrip companion.

14. is the only person i know who buys hostess pies.

15. easily makes friends.

16. has a nubbin tongue.

17. sneaks up and scares trouble-making punk kids roaming around the neighborhood at night.

18. is a peacemaker.

19. hates my youngest sister's boyfriends.

20. respects the president of the united states, no matter who it is.

21. loves the alien movie series.

22. teases anybody, and sometimes the recipient of the teasing doesn't realize he or she is being teased, which makes it funnier.

23. once caught my sister's vomit in his hands.

24. takes us to visit war veterans on memorial day.

25. likes real butter on his popcorn.

26. was raised on a farm.

27. can beat his daughters at handstand contests.

28. plays a mean game of hearts.

29. is generous.

30. respects his daughters' decisions, even when he might not agree with them.

31. is a worthy priesthood holder.

32. takes me along on his global travels.

33. talks politics with me and respects my opinion.

34. taught me how to not throw a softball like a girl.

35. is excellent at driveway lightning.

36. is a good public speaker.

37. gets really excited about staying in tiny, dumpy roadside motels and even more excited when he can talk the rate down.

38. works out in our unfinished basement every morning.

39. loves johnny cash.

40. wants his daughters to be well educated.

41. has a great sense of humor and always makes me laugh.

42. quotes john wayne movies.

43. loves to drive modest cars.

44. has great integrity and gets mad at me for downloading illegal mp3s.

45. used to race dirt bikes.

46. is handsome.

47. will come to visit me no matter where i live.

48. doesn't understand the utah "ask-somebody-to-a-dance" weird tradition of leaving something cryptic on the doorstep, ringing the doorbell and running, so he usually chases after the poor dumb boy asking one of his daughters to a dance.

49. loves taking his family to baseball games and chowing on ballpark hotdogs and cracker jacks.

50. is one of my best friends.

love ya dad. you don't look a day over 49.

some things i might need to help me feel better about myself:

i could spend obscene amounts of money here on accessories and trinkets alone.

cooking with lard, 101

my sister-in-law savanna forewarned me, but not until this weekend when my search for crisco ended in complete and utter failure did i actually think i'd have to get acquainted with pig fat as a cooking ingredient. is it me, or is there just something completely unholy about using the words "lard" and "chocolate chip cookies" in the same sentence? i know, i know... shortening and lard are essentially the same thing, but shortening just feels better... it's not so abrasive as to the reminder that what i'm putting into my body is completely unhealthy, once belonged to the filthy haunch of a cloven-hoofed animal, and will stick to my arteries and eventually kill me.

i wanted to make taco soup for dinner last week. it's quick, it's easy, it's delish, and matt and i had it in hong kong all the time because it was the one thing i could make in our hk "kitchen." recipe: 2 cans of diced tomatoes, 1 can of corn, 1 can of kidney beans, 1 packet of taco seasoning and an onion (and ground turkey, if we're feeling fancy -- much thanks again, lacy, for the recipe). i mean, i know the dish is some american concoction based very loosely on a mexican dish, but look at the ingredients... no sweat, right? well, there are entire rows, rows, of legumes at the grocery stores here, but i have yet to lay eyes on a single can or bag of kidneys. and you can forget about finding the cute little packets of mccormick's taco seasoning in this country. and after i thought about it for a minute, i really should have known better than to have even looked for them. i'm sure they are a complete insult to mexican cuisine. i don't even have the gumption to ask the grocers here if they carry the stuff for fear i'll be laughed out of town.

so mom, please add to your list of things to send:

crisco

brown sugar

taco seasoning

kraft macaroni and cheese

kidney beans

and an industrial-sized bottle of pepto

this spanish stuff is a snap.

the lowpoint has come and gone, i hope.  the culmination of the stress of the move, the cold and incessantly rainy weather here, fox's new anti-sleep campaign, the language barrier, the stares, and the other stairs (63 to be exact) i have to climb everyday if i want to get anywhere came to a head and pushed me into total meltdown.  last night i had a great cry, and today the clouds have somewhat broken, both literally and figuratively.

happy to get out of the casa!

today i even mustered up the courage to haul fox and his ojos azules grandes around the block and engage in "conversation" with the locals.  at the baby clothing store, i told the saleswoman how old fox was: "eh, quatro.... (she filled in the meses part)."  she then, as i understood it, gave the usual international astonishment for his size at his age, and i replied, "si, muy gigante!"  next, i ordered a hot chocolate at the friendly neighborhood starbucks: "alto chocolate, por favor."  lastly, we stopped at the fruit stand right outside our apartment and purchased mangoes, platanos, y rambutan, muchas gracias!  and i only twice had to use my tried-and-true default, "lo siento, no hablo espanol."  not too shabby.  tomorrow i may even order un bocadillo from subway.  

here's where my head's at:

1.  we now live in a five-story building, and our apartment is on the fourth floor.  no elevator.  how do i get my boy, my dog, the stroller and myself up and down the stairs without incurring injury to all involved?  gunth, you may have to learn how to hold it for 12 hours.

2.  and furthermore, gunther, what do we do with you when we go out of town?  just the thought of a mexico city dog kennel sounds a bit counter-intuitive.

3.  still haven't decided how i'm gonna give fox a bath in non-potable water.  my latest idea: warm up a big bottle of evian and put fox in a bucket.

4.  i gotta learn spanish.  like yesterday.  what's the best way to learn quickly... book?  cd?  my esta bien's are wearing thin.  now i can totally relate to the chinese people who replied with a "ya, it's okay" to everything i said.

5.  there are cops on the street outside my apartment 24 hours a day.  i don't know what to make of that, but i'll tell myself it's a good thing.

6.  god bless subway.  these guys are everywhere, and just like in hong kong, there's a location around the corner from our mex city apartment.  and the best thing about international subways: they deliver.  sweet mercy.

7.  AND -- my hair is falling out at an alarming rate, and it doesn't help that my locks are fox's new favorite toy.  i'm chalking this one up to post-pregnancy hormonal stuff, but come on... if this doesn't let up soon, i'm taking a serious look into hair extensions.

mother, forgive me.

i ate street stand food. in mexico. and here's the kicker: i loved it. and here's the problem: i can get it every night on the street below my apartment. can you find it in your heart to forgive me?

tonight i feasted on elote:

when matt first walked into our apartment with the big hunk of corn on a stick, slathered in lime juice, mayo, mexican cheese and chili powder, my face was twisted in utter disgust. at first bite i didn't fall in love, but by the end of the stick, holy elote! as i was polishing that off, matt mentioned that there is a tamale stand outside too, and i know i dig tamales. i got so excited i almost had matt cancel our dominos pizza delivery order. sorry mom.

ode to joy.

shout out.

this one goes out to the owner of the late-90s model maroon camry parked behind macy's at northpark mall today around 12:20 P.M. just wanted to thank you and your righteous parking skills for giving me the opportunity to think outside the box and use my imagination while trying to fit my 20 pound child and his 60 pound carseat into the 10 inch gap you left for us to work with. nothing that some hazard lights, a few dirty looks from passersby and some good old-fashioned ingenuity couldn't fix. extreme internet high fives to you, champ.

nerd alert.

i really, really love(d) the 80s.  the movies, the television shows, the music... in my opinion, it was such a great decade (unlike the 90s -- i'm still recovering from that mess).  so maybe that's why i got so excited about these recent finds:

1. tube socks.

(note how the sock kinda bags on my gimpy right foot, in all its gimpy glory)

yes, in my heart of hearts, i wish i was a little boy from 1982 so i could wear short shorts and long tube socks everyday. i have been searching high and low for tube socks for years, and last week i found them in every color of the rainbow. they don't seem like they'd be that hard to find, but they've eluded me until now. i don't know why i love them. they are not flattering or cool. sometimes they remind me of that pbs math show, "it figures," and i secretly loved that show and would watch it when i was home sick from school. thank you youtube:

2. circus animal cookies.

talk about childhood memories. is it me, or did these guys disappear for a while? i don't even like them that much, but so much nostalgia pumped through my veins when i saw these little guys on the supermarket shelf that i had to pick them up and take them home with me. it'll prolly take us a year to finish the bag, so let me know if i can mail you a few.